Between the Earth and the Stars

So I was reading today's (yesterday's?) Dominic-Deegan strip, and they just flat out told Luna (a chracter I've identified with) that she will never have a child.

So my good mood just jumped out the window and died on the sidewalk.

See, I have something called PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome) which kind of messes with my hormones and such. One thing I recently found out was that some people with it have trouble getting/can't get pregnant...
Now, forget for the moment that that may only be the version that actually produces cysts on the ovaries, and that we don't think I have that...
What if all the types can have that problem?

For a few years (my teen years), I didn't think I wanted children. As I've grown up and gotten more mature, I've realized that I really do want to have kids. Not right now, obviously, but when I get married.
Whenever this fear's come up before, I've just shoved it to the side. But now that a character I've identified with for years (we've both been suicidally depressed, disliked our bodies, and been very insecure), and watched go through MY struggles and come out okay and better...
Tto hear that she will never have children...
It may sound silly, but it was almost like hearing those words about myself.

I suppose this is why I write a character with a large family...
Subcounciously, I want one.

I want to hold a precious child in my arms, want to watch them grow, want to take them to school and nuture them and protect them..
I want to see that beautiful child run up to me, hug me, and hear them say, "Mommy, I love you."

And I'm so scared I will never get that chance.

I'm sorry, I can't write anymore tonight, I...I'm just too depressed right now...
 *curls into ball and cries and prays*