lil_rebbitzen: (elrond)
So I was really wanting to post my Valentine's Day fic ON Valentine's Day. Looks like that didn't happen...
To be fair, I was trying to get it out, but my brain kept stumbling along like a zombie and wasn't sure what to write sometimes.

I also was reading something [ profile] blackjackrocket posted, and after some back and forth, my emotions suddenly went on a rant about the psychologically abuse I suffered through most of my school years. So that kind of triggered a mini-break down :/
Not her fault, of course, if anyone's fault it would be my own for not being more careful as I wrote.

So, I'll see if I can kick it out later today. I really will try. And I'll even try to make it good (no telling if I will succeed).
But for now, I need to relax with Leaf Green and go to sleep- breakdowns completely drain my energy.

lil_rebbitzen: (Default)

So I was reading today's (yesterday's?) Dominic-Deegan strip, and they just flat out told Luna (a chracter I've identified with) that she will never have a child.

So my good mood just jumped out the window and died on the sidewalk.

See, I have something called PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome) which kind of messes with my hormones and such. One thing I recently found out was that some people with it have trouble getting/can't get pregnant...
Now, forget for the moment that that may only be the version that actually produces cysts on the ovaries, and that we don't think I have that...
What if all the types can have that problem?

For a few years (my teen years), I didn't think I wanted children. As I've grown up and gotten more mature, I've realized that I really do want to have kids. Not right now, obviously, but when I get married.
Whenever this fear's come up before, I've just shoved it to the side. But now that a character I've identified with for years (we've both been suicidally depressed, disliked our bodies, and been very insecure), and watched go through MY struggles and come out okay and better...
Tto hear that she will never have children...
It may sound silly, but it was almost like hearing those words about myself.

I suppose this is why I write a character with a large family...
Subcounciously, I want one.

I want to hold a precious child in my arms, want to watch them grow, want to take them to school and nuture them and protect them..
I want to see that beautiful child run up to me, hug me, and hear them say, "Mommy, I love you."

And I'm so scared I will never get that chance.

I'm sorry, I can't write anymore tonight, I...I'm just too depressed right now...
 *curls into ball and cries and prays* 


lil_rebbitzen: (Default)
'Cause it's mostly me grousing... *sigh*

Grousity grouse grouse )
For those of you who actually read this, thanks for sitting through my merping. I guess one reason depression and stress affect teens and young adults so much is, generally speaking, we have nothing to compare our situation with, experience wise. We can't look back at an earlier time easily and say "this situation's not bad compared to this" and we don't have the wisdom to come to that conclusion easily either.

I guess it's just a phase of growing up.

And because I feel like it, I want to say "I love you guys" to all my friends! ♥ *hugs*

Speaking of which, does anyone here have a facebook?

That's all for now, since I need to work on schoolwork... *strangles school papers* Maybe I'll get some writing in...

Luv luv, 
lil_rebbitzen: (Default)
 I hope I haven't offended anyone lately. If I have, I didn't mean to, and I apologize...

And there, stupid low self-esteem of mine, ya happy??

Gah, I hate it when my stupid self-image screws me over and makes me think no one likes me...
*goes off to try to keep the Rochat family alive on Sims3*
lil_rebbitzen: (Default)

So out of nowhere, I'm feeling depressed and lonely...
I don't know if it's no one's on or replies to my stuff or what...
Doesn't help I barely get to talk to my RL friends, since they work and have school...
I know I'm probably being selfish, I know that it's just a phase...

But damn it if depression is f*cking annoying...

*shakes head* I hope this isn't my depression recurring. I'll be pissed if it is.

*goes off to have a good cry*


EDIT: Okay, I feel a little better now. I went back to read my old easyjournal entries , and I'm realizing my life is better than it was then. So it makes me feel better.
Also, holy carp I was silly. I need to add the holy 2x4 into my arsenal of things to hit people with again...
Seriously, if you want to know some of my crap, go read the stuff. Any questions you can post here.
Well, some of it... the spiritual stuff can get pretty heavy. You can just skip those parts if you'd like, since they make me sound Pentecoastal...
and were also before I identified as Jewish.

Clip from my old journal:
"Beware the werebunny, for she will go after the nearest candy stash she can find, and you had better not be between her and the sugar, for she is quick to anger, and has sharp claws. Her best buddies are the Wolf , the Bug, the fox, and the hyperactive red-haired ferret, along with the pair of rabid, spastic Field mice. When all of them are together, they are unstoppable. Their only known weakness.... is caffeine and donuts..."

Wow... I was silly.

December 2015

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